Awareness

Wow. It’s been a couple months that I have posted anything on here, and boy, so much as happened since my last post. I do have legitimate reasons for not spending much time typing or even spending much time with my journal and my favorite pen Lilly. As human beings we encounter so many challenges and obstacles, internally as well as externally. The past few months I have experienced and been aware of so many human emotions. It’s so weird because I feel the emotions I experience come from multiple stages of my life. Sometimes I find it difficult to process these emotions and project how I’m feeling, or how a certain situation makes me behave. I am getting better in being aware of how I feel, and then projecting those feeling out onto paper, or any other outlet I have at the time.

First and foremost, the one feeling that is most important that I have cultivated, accomplished, received, and still practicing is love. Love to me, will always be such a vital part of who I am, and forever be thankful to be a loved individual. I think learning how to love is one of the hardest challenges I have faced as a young adult. Learning to love yourself, your surroundings, what you do, and the people you have. It’s a definite crazy and interesting journey. These past few months, love, has definitely picked me up in dark times, which I am thankful for. I have given and received an abundant amount of love the past few months.

My family, shows me plenty of love, even though I don’t see them often, I know they always have my back like a juniper bug attaches itself onto adobe on a hot summer day in New Mexico.  They show their support through the love they have for me and in many different ways, much of those ways are different than other families. They will never give up on me, and I very happy that I never gave up on myself.

Second, my beautiful friends that I have made throughout my years in college and living in San Francisco. All the beautiful souls I have met in some way shown me love. I feel very lucky to have the friends I do, because I know they love me and would always support my decisions. I recently, just got back from Portland with some of my dearest friends I have made in San Francisco, they took care of all the expenses, and I felt so humbled by their generosity. I am so happy all the time for all they do for me and giving me the chance to experience so much to life.

Lastly, is the love I have been receiving from my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for about 5 months now, and he has proven to me how much he cares for me and loves me. We’ve done so much together in such little time, and we are growing and learning about each other every day. He is such a beautiful soul, that I care deeply for and will always give him my loyalty and commitment. He has been such a positive and significant character in my life and I can say he’s made my life 10x better.

Love is an emotion when a CONNECTION happens — connection with a person, with an object, with yourself. When there is love, there is the feeling of connection, of joy, of hope, of happiness. What is the flipside of love? It is loyalty, and without loyalty, there cannot be love. I am loyal to these people and am very happy to say that I feel like a very loved individual.

The second human emotion I have definitely experienced these past weeks, has been loss and pain. I lost a very special person to me last month. My beautiful grandma Carrie. She was so important to me. She always looked after me when I was younger, and always being there when my parents were. She was an individual who loved her family very much. I was looked up to her, i think she was the one who taught me how to love. She always taught me to give, give, give. Even if it’s the last thing you have. Give it away, because you will receive. I think I have learned that the past year living in a new big city. I have given so much back, trying to make a difference in a place that needs so much help. And I have definitely received. She was my role model. She instilled so much value and character into to me, and I feel like I wouldn’t be the human being I am today if it wasn’t for her. I feel very somber at the fact that I can’t just call her up and hear her say “Oh mi hito, I love you so much, are you being a good boy in San Francisco?” She always put a smile on my face no matter what. The loss of her will always shake me with tears and confusion and lead to questions like , “where did she go?” or “why did you leave us?” or “is she happy now?” But these are questions that I will never have the answers to. I just hope she knows that I am always with her like she is with me. I will always be by her side when she feels scared or doesn’t know what’s happening. Because I love her so much, she will always live within me. She was a strong woman who lived a very hard life. I hope to half of the human she was. Her ability to push through hard times was incredible, and I hope that I can befit the space and love she left to this universe. It’s been hard concept to understand that everyone dies. But i feel like death isn’t permanent, its just a transition into something new. I know my grandmother will always live within me because of my ability to LOVE. An ability that I learned from her.

Grandma: I love you so much and I miss your smile and your big wooden cross you would wear around your neck everyday. I miss your hugs and the smell of your perfume. You were always so warm. Please look out for us in this universe.

Being aware of your human emotions is such a hard thing to do. And experiencing so many emotions from different stages of your life is very weird and complicated. Having the ability to communicate feelings to yourself by writing or producing art or even a late night therapy session with some brews and joint with your bestie, will help you cope with all the emotions.   I feel like when life presents a lot of craziness and if handled wrongly, it can negatively affect people, putting them into depression, or isolating themselves where things blow up in sporadic amounts.

I  consider myself such a lucky individual because I have so many people in my life that I can turn, just knowing that  is very comforting. Now that the new year is coming, I want to dedicate myself to writing more and producing more spoken word pieces. I want to communicate healthily with all the important people in my life, and most importantly be aware of how my body, mind, and spirit feel. I want to apologize to all my unwritten thoughts and feelings. I love you.